25 FEBRUARY 2012

Almost five months to the day that I delivered you, I went to see you, my son.

I have tried to put a word to the emotions that I feel.

Grief encapsulates it best.

I should be there in the ground with you, beside you.

I should be with you, comforting you- or would you be comforting me?

I should be beside you in the dark, but there is no darkness where you are, is there, my son?

I need you in my arms, to hold and kiss, and love with all my heart.

Why can you not be here with me?

I long for you. I long to be with you.

And I fear, though your place is certain, mine is not.

And it may well be that I shall never more see you.

And I fear that I shall never ever hold you, my child.

For though you may know me, I have not a single memory of your face.

And yet,I miss you deeply.

Still.

I love you, my son.

"Ya Allah! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord!

Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; our Lord!

Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear.

Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness.

Have mercy on us. "

“People praise you for what they suppose is in you,
but you must blame your soul for what you know is in you.”

~ Ibn Ata'illah ~

23 JANUARY 2012

God’s Lent Child

I’ll lend you for a little while, a child of mine, God said

For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he’s dead.

It may be six or seven years, or forty-two or three

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He’ll bring his charms to gladden you and should his stay be brief

You’ll always have his memories as a solace in your grief.

I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn.

I’ve looked this whole world over in my search for teachers true

And from the folk that crowd Life’s lane I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love and not think the labour vain,

Nor hate me when I come to take this lent child back again?

I fancy that I heard them say “Dear God, thy will be done.

For all the joys this child will bring the risk of grief we’ll run.

We will shelter him with tenderness, we’ll love him while we may

And for all the happiness we’ve ever known, we’ll ever grateful stay.

But should the angels call him much sooner than we’d planned

We will brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand.”

~ Author Unknown~

Stay calm, my heart.

Wisdom and patience be my bedfellows.

Humility be my friend.

Acceptance, dry my eyes.

Ya Allah, I beseech you.

Mohammad Ayaan Bin Mohammad Fadzly.

We missed you today- what was to have been your date of birth.

Loved, for always.

Al-Fateha.

IN MY HEART

My son,

The moments pass

I feel empty still

The hurt has mellowed

But the longing remains

A piece of me died with you

The emptiness of my womb

Rings with the echoes

Of you.

I miss you so.

Ayaan, I miss you so.

-Mama-

HAPPY 6th...

And even as we turn six today, my thoughts go back to you.

Reflecting on the year and remembering those so loved and now lost.

Praying for a better year in 2012.

AL-FATEHA

Kiyai Kassim Bin Adnan.

This truly has been a year of losses.
Innalillahi wa inna illaihi raaji'un.